


Nor for my peace will I go

by nomadwanderer



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst!, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Canon Compliant, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Post-Credits Scene, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War Fix-It, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), M/M, Memory Alteration, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Mind Manipulation, Mindwiping, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Triggers, mid credit scene spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:30:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6701281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomadwanderer/pseuds/nomadwanderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BEWARE: SPOILERS FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR!!!! you have been warned. </p><p>A fic to address that mid credit scene.</p><p> From where they least expect it, they've been given a second chance. While memory controls and it harms, at least this time Steve and Bucky will face it together. It's a desperate and painful process but filled with such hope. Tony comes through for them too, in his own way. (Sorry the summary is awful, tried to not let it be spoilery!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nor for my peace will I go

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS AHEAD: You've been warned. Any ideas of a better non spoiler summary that still gives the reader an idea of this fic please tell me! That was harder than writing it! 
> 
> P.S. thanks J for the help
> 
> Title is from Ben Jonson's poem - A farewell to the world

 

There was a kind of bitter irony to that fact that it was Tony who eventually provided a solution. A way to break the programming and offer Bucky the only possibility of relief. That a piece of technology Tony had built to deal with his own trauma might be the only thing capable of freeing Bucky's mind, it felt strangely fitting.

Not that the process wouldn't hurt. There was an inevitability to that as well.

“He's prepped for cryogenic reversal, Captain,” The doctor kept his voice carefully neutral.

“You’re sure about this?” T’Challa gentle in his words as his presence, “It won’t be easy on either of you.”

“Yes.” Steve tried desperately to make his voice solid, an immovable thing when all he really felt was fear. Fear that Hydra's control was inescapable, that the best man he had ever known was lost to him once again. Locked away in a fortress of words. Such simple fragile things that could take away so much.

He had to try. It was enough hope. Had to be, because he's not sure he can face any more months alone, watching the days pass joylessly as Bucky was kept from him. 

He knows Bucky asked for this. In those moments before he was put under, he actually looked peaceful, for the first time since he returned. And Steve knows he was exhausted, so utterly destroyed by the world that maybe cryo was an escape. 

But Steve can't help his selfishness because here was Tony with an olive branch, a six hundred and eleven million dollar gadget and a chance strange enough to maybe work.

 

 

 

 

The sight of Bucky, stretched out and lax on the table, flecks of ice still clinging to closed eyelashes, hands clenched shut, an apparent involuntary reaction, was disturbing nonetheless.

“Can he hear us?” Steve barely daring the sound.

“Not yet but soon,” the doctor said, fitting another bag of whatever drug they used to revive him to the cryo machine.  The stark white of the room harsh against the red of the blood being drained, processed and returned again, thick with the cold and whatever chemical they were flooding his system with. It sickened him to see it, the vulnerability so clear, so accessible.

“He’ll be fine Steve,” Tony’s voice sounding brittle but sure, “They know what they’re doing.” he was fiddling with his tablet for a moment, his eyes steadfastly refusing to even glance at Bucky.

“And yours? You're absolutely sure your tech is safe?” he trusted Tony not to harm Bucky purposefully, but the memories of past violence haunted his presence and made it difficult for Steve to look at him without flinching.

“Sure as I can be. Look, I’ve used it on myself. That's the best I can offer you.”

It'll have to be enough.

Steve can see color returning to Bucky's skin, the deathlike pallor shifting into something, not healthy looking but alive maybe.

The first breath is a jagged thing, sharp and desperate lungs heaving under the strain. A body fighting back from the horror of that false death.

Then came the shivering. Whole body spasms, raking up and across his frame. The doctor leans over and pulls some vibranium reinforced straps down across his body.

“This is just a precaution, he may become disoriented and fearful when he wakes. He may lash out,” Steve nods knowing that Bucky would be horrified at hurting someone but the cold metal sits like a betrayal against his pale skin.

It looks like it hurts, limbs twisting and clenching, “Can't you give him something? He's in pain.”

“Actually he's not,” says Tony squinting at the monitors, “it looks bad but most of it is his muscles switching back online. He's okay Steve. I swear.”

Steve takes a breath and pushes back the memory of ice, muscles seizing, the shock and the immediate panic. First the pain then the slowly narrowing focus till the blackness took over.

He doesn't remember being revived like this the first time. They somehow drugged him, he knows that but this time watching the process on another. He can't help but feel little thankful for being spared.

The twitching ceases and is replaced with a controlled stillness. Bucky is awake and holding himself immobile, waiting for his handler's instructions, probably disoriented. Probably scared out of his mind.

“Bucky?” Steve hopes the familiarity of his voice might be enough to comfort him, “Bucky, it's me Steve. I know you're scared but I want you to know that you're safe.” He continues to talk, offering reassurances and reminders, “You're in Wakanda. You're safe. Can you remember?”

Slowly and with a hesitance born of experience Bucky opens his eyes.

It's not the comfort Steve expected, finally being able to connect with his friend once again. The pain there still too overpowering.

“Stevie?” The Brooklyn accent thick on his tongue.

“Yeah Buck, it's me.” He gives into the urge to grasp, hold onto the hand of the man who makes up the second half of himself, a lifeline for his soul.

“What…?” Bucky's confusion palpable.

“Take it easy. We had to wake you up. We have a way to help you,” Bucky narrowed his eyes suspiciously, and Steve almost laughed at the familiarity of the expression, memories of his past misadventures flashed through his mind haphazardly. But the humour fled almost immediately, Bucky knew he was desperate, knew the lengths he would go to get his friend back, Steve tried to reassure him, but before he could Bucky opened his mouth and asked the one question that mattered, ever brave in the face of it all.

“What…” his voice was nervous, fearful of the possibilities, “What are you going to do to me?”

“I...Well…” Steve doesn’t know how to tell him the truth. The horrible truth that the cure may be worse than the nothingness of cryo stasis. That after hearing what he will have to endure, he may refuse, may not have the fight left to get through this and maybe he’ll choose to leave Steve all alone again.

 

“I’ll take that question,” Tony calls from across the room, still not willing to move into Bucky’s line of sight. His voice is hesitant and somehow distant even though he was merely feet away.

Bucky stills, recognition jarring him into fearful wakefulness.

“He’s here to help Buck,” Steve tries to offer, false sounding, even to himself.

“To help,” Tony snorts, “To learn whether you are actually guilty or sane enough to stand trial. Take your pick, still winds up with at the same outcome, unlocking that mind of yours.”

Of course, Tony’s actions in this weren’t all charitable, he was here to figure out the truth, and bring him to justice if that is what was needed, “Here it is Barnes. I’ve got some tech that I developed mostly for myself. You see thanks to you and others like you, I’ve got baggage of my own. Stuff in my past that simply won’t go away on it’s own. So I hacked my brain. Went back inside my old memories and dealt with them, got a little closer to peace.”

“You want to send me back into my memories?” The horror of what they were proposing dawned suddenly, the small amount of colour they had been able to coax into his cheeks flickering away to pale, unrestrained fear.

Steve glares at Tony. He hadn’t wanted to drop that on him so soon. He’d wanted to be gentle, to give him hope before revealing the means. But now that it was out, all he could do was deal with this straight on.

“Buck,” he tries for his attention, “it won’t be like that. We’re not going to lock you inside your head. You’ll be in control. And I’ll be with you through it this time, with you the whole time.”

Bucky’s eyes slide over to meet his, “You don’t want to see all that Stevie,” he grits out, ever protective.

“I can take it.” Steve reassures as best he can, “Ain't gonna leave you to it alone this time pal. Never again.” His own fiery emotions making the words sound harsh in the quiet space, more a challenge that a reassurance. _Don’t make me just watch_ , he wants to beg him, _please let me help this time_.

But Bucky seems to  see the desperation for what it is, a plea for his own sanity and forgiveness. He sighs, long versed in Steve's pigheadedness.

“How’s this thing gonna work?” he winces, and shivers again, the cold still leaving him weak and fragile.

The doctor takes on this one, pulling up a graphic of Bucky’s brain from his tablet and projects it above the space between them, certain areas highlighted red like wounds.

“From what we’ve been able to learn about the Hydra programming, it’s linked to memory, actually specific memories that lie deep down in your past and link directly to your instinctive response network. They broke into your mind, and cut control word by control word into you, until simply the mention of them was enough to force your obedience. They used a combination of the chair, powerful drugs, surgical interference and old fashioned torture to forge neural pathways that you were powerless to counteract. Obedience was inescapable because they wiped everything else. There were specific memories you always retained? Even through the wipes?”

“Yes,” Bucky’s voice is shaky, “some.”

“These were the basis of their control. Everything else was built on them and they’re the way we’re going to break you free of it.”

“How did I...how was I able to…?”

“You mean on the helicarrier?”

Bucky nods

“Older programming took over. You recognised Steve and the earlier, more powerful instinctive responses were able to overwrite some of Hydra’s commands.”

“I don’t…” he looks so lost that Steve has to step in.

“You knew me. Before Hydra, before any of it. And your instinct allowed you to break protocol. You fought it off.” the pride Steve feels for how very hard that must have been colouring his words so thickly that Bucky has to look away, hesitant under his gaze.

“Can you... Can you break it permanently? Get me free of it?”

“That,” Tony interjects, “You’ll have to do yourself.”

Tony taps the projection above them to bring up a graphic of the B.A.R.F technology, “This device is a neural interface that you can use to relive and rewrite chosen memories. It renders them and their effects in controlling you void. Basically, it allows you to rewrite your own brain at will. You’ll still have the old memories but they’ll feel dreamlike and ultimately ineffective while the new ones, the reprocessed ones, will be vivid and most importantly completely under your control.”

When Tony had explained this to Steve the first time, it had seemed impossible, painfully fantastical that one could change history within your own mind.

“It’s not easy mind you,” Tony warns, “Think of it more as lucid dreaming. You’ll feel like you’re there, back in the past and all of it will return, each memory worse than he next. The sensations, the smell, the taste, the physical pain. It’ll all still be there. But here’s the kicker. You’re able to control some of it, force it to change enough to break whatever programming they stuffed into you. Rewrite history if you will. But, it’ll be a fight mind you, that sort of thing doesn’t want to change.”

Buck closes his eyes for a moment. Breathing raggedly. The knowledge that he’ll have to live through it a second time closing in around him.

“Can you let me sit up?” he sounds almost afraid to ask, afraid of the response.

Steve turns to the doctor, “Is it safe yet?”

The man nods hesitantly but does step forward to undo the the straps holding Bucky to the table, “He’ll need to stay connected to these.” He waves vaguely at the plethora of wires and tubes currently attached to him, “He’s going to be weak for a while yet.”

Steve nods and leans forward, his arm slipping around those achingly familiar shoulders to leverage him up gently. Bucky doesn’t seem able to support his own weight yet but allows Steve to sit beside him, positioning him to lean his weight against Steve’s side, arm still  gathered around his back.

“So I’ll go back. Change the past?”

“Essentially yes. The idea is for you to rewire your mind with new pathways. Then the words when spoken to you, they’ll be meaningless because the particular set of anchor memories will no longer exist.” Doctor is gentle but matter of fact.

“Then we’ll know for sure,” says Tony, his words tinged with restrained anger, “We’ll know what was Hydra and what was you.”

“It was all Hydra!” Steve can’t keep the anger from his own voice, the heat of it shocking even him, “If you would only…”

“Stop.” Bucky grits out, “I need to know too. I can’t hide from this Steve. If I’m guilty I need to know and face up to that. But, if this device can prove that I had no choice. Then my conscience needs that as well.”

“You know you didn’t have a choice.” Steve tries, this wasn’t how he wanted this to go, "And you don't have to do this either. I swear, just say the word and I'll end this right now. Please Buck, you don't need to do any of it." If only he could save him another way, he would. Steve felt the horror of his choice, oblivion or pain and knew it just wasn't fair to ask this of him. Not after all the rest, after everything he had been though. _Please say no but please stay,_  he wanted to beg, he wanted to order him, command him to stay. But instead he held him tighter, for that precious moment alive and with him still. 

“I did it. It’s all there Steve. All of it came back.” he hangs his head down, hiding behind a shield of hair, “if even once I could have fought back then I need to know that too. I’m sorry Steve, but if I’m guilty then I...”

“Bucky,” Steve pulls him closer, lost for words.

There is silence in the room for a time. No one sure how to break it. Even Tony is uncharacteristically mute.

But brave as ever, Bucky speaks up, "Hell, maybe it can make my damned mind bearable again. Maybe I'll make it them instead of me this time around. Would love to shove one of them in the chair for once," the grim humour that is all Bucky breaking through, frail but hanging on. _Yeah,_ Steve thinks, _that's it Bucky, this time they won't stand a chance._

“I’ll do it. Just...” resignation, the expectation of more suffering to come, “Just promise me. If I go back and get triggered again. You’ll put me down if you need to. I can't hurt anyone else.”

“We won’t let you." A promise Steve knows he needs to keep. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> More to come... I'm so sorry Bucky! I promise you that it'll all be alright in the end. I just couldn't write a magical, everything works out instantly fic for this because well, it's not alright and it'll never be easy. Bucky deserves a chance to fight for this, to make his past his own again. Plus, I couldn't help noticing that a tool to fix him was already there in the film, maybe purposefully placed, maybe not but damn if I couldn't help but hope...please Marvel! That scene broke my heart!  
> Please do comment and tell me what you think! I can already tell this fic is going to be long (*sigh*) and eat my lift for a while, but I just couldn't leave him there frozen and alone. How did you feel about that scene?


End file.
